Shut Your Mouth And
by DarkShadowsFalling
Summary: Lestrade cannot be sure what in the world he's hearing! Is there more going on behind closed doors than anyone ever knew? Mostly humor and some romance and a bit of Holmes' snarkiness XD Based more on the character descriptions from the movies with Robert Downey Jr and Jude Law, but with some things you will ONLY find in the books :) Enjoy!


Shut Your Mouth And...

+A "Sherlock Holmes" fan fiction. Original characters belong to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, who is my absolute hero. Styles taken from the books, from the movies with Robert Downey Jr and Jude Law, and just a little fun added in. Hope you enjoy! Written for MY Watson, though our love is strictly platonic :3+

"Are you quite certain about this, Holmes? This is quite unlike you. It goes against your own beliefs."

"Yes, Watson. I have never been more certain of anything in my life. Now, would you kindly assist me or are you going to stand there gawking like a fish all day?"

There was a hesitation. "I really don't feel right about this, Holmes..."

"Watson, I am losing patience." A frustrated sigh punctuated this sentence.

"Couldn't you perhaps use G-?"

"NO! For the last time, no, Watson!"

The floor creaked, indicating a shift of weight from the left foot to the right, very subtle to the untrained ear.

"What will Mary say if she finds out...?"

"How would she find out? The only way she could is if you told her, Watson. Would you?"

"Well, no. Of course not."

"Then why why bring her up? You're making excuses."

"I don't like this, Holmes."

"I'm not exactly ecstatic about this either, Watson, but there is little way out of it now. Come here and grasps this for me. I need you to."

There was movement, slow footsteps across the room. A beat of silence. "Like this?"

"Tighter, John." A sharp intake of breath. "Yes. There, perfect. Just like that."

The silence that followed this time was very heavy, almost pregnant. "Should I pull?"

"Carefully. This takes a firm but practiced hand such as yours. I have complete faith in you."

"...Holmes, I have never done this before."

"Oh. Well, you're doing brilliantly for your first time."

A soft snort. "I'm glad that it pleases you."

There was a very long moment where nothing was said, just an odd rustling sound. "Ah! Yes. More, Watson! That's good."

"I simply cannot abide this! It feels completely wrong, Holmes! I refuse to continue!"

Inspector Lestrade had had more than enough as he stood outside the door at 221B Baker Street. Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson were supposed to be investigating the Whitechapel Horrors, not engaging in whatever clandestine affair they had. There was far too much at stake

Holmes spoke from inside the room. "John, just shut your mouth and f-"

Lestrade burst through the door, ready for whatever he might see. He was even fully prepared to see the two men naked and pressed together in a comprising manner. He had always suspected, after all.

What he was NOT prepared for was Sherlock Holmes in a corset, bustle, and skirt. Watson was behind him, pulling on the long ribbons that tightened the corset.

"-inish tightening these blasted ribbons!" Holmes looked up as the door flew open. "What in the devil are you doing here, Lestrade? And can't you knock for pity's sake?! Were you raised in a stable?"

Lestrade stared owlishly. "B—Wh-? What on earth...?" he stammered out weakly.

"Well, I am at a crossroads, you see. I have simply no luck in only trailing our Saucy Jack*, so I have decided that one of my disguises is in order. And what better disguise than as one of his potential victims?"

"Why are you having Watson lace you? Why not your landlady, Mrs. Hudson?"

"The last time I dressed as a woman, our dear, tenderhearted NANNY..." The last was said with derision. "...pulled far too tight and I had a bruised rib for a fortnight. I think she was enjoying herself in the process. Rather uncomfortable when you are chasing the dregs of society."

Holmes turned to pick up the cardinal-red, buttoned blouse that matched the skirt. "Watson is a natural at lace-tying, but he's ashamed to be doing this for me. Makes him feel a bit of an adulterer to Mary, you see."

Watson helped Holmes shrug into the blouse, buttoning the gold buttons up the front. "I just feel that no man should assist another man into women's undergarments. I even had to fasten his garters because he snapped himself twice. Mary would have a fit."

Holmes shot Lestrade an amused look as he straightened the skirt and bustle. "Honestly, I think she would find it highly entertaining. Mary Watson isn't like most women. I rather think that John has enough shame for the both of them anyway."

Watson scowled, his moustache fairly bristling in irritation. Lestrade cleared his throat and switched to something a little different.

"You DO realize it sounded as if you were engaged in intimate activities, don't you? One could easily assume..."

Holmes held up a finger reproachfully. "I have always told you to never assume, my dear Lestrade. Assumption rarely leads to truth. This is why you will go no further in the police force, I'm afraid."

Lestrade decided to ignore the barb thrown at him. Responding or reacting only spurred the scoundrel on, and really, Lestrade had heard it far too many times for it truly injure him as it used to.

"Will you be ready soon then? I have a hansom waiting below and can take you to Whitechapel or perhaps somewhere close by if you'd rather not go straight there."

The detective smiled. "That would be splendid, my good man. Thank you. Give me a half hour for my wig and makeup. Watson and I shall both join you then."

Lestrade tipped his bowler hat in acknowledgment of Holmes' words and left, feeling relieved, though a tad mystified. He really could have sworn there was more to what he heard. Oh well. It really was none of his business and if Holmes and Watson insisted it was a misunderstanding, he was quite glad to let it go at that.

He made his way to the waiting hansom, climbing inside with a practiced ease. For the moment, his mind was free of distraction and he simply relaxed, enjoying the solitude of the cab.

As soon as the doors closed behind Lestrade, Holmes turned to Watson, who gave him an amused look. Holmes walked to him, skirts rustling. Watson's hands came up to rest on Holmes' shaped waist and Holmes smiled brightly.

"Really, I wonder how just how naughty we sounded or if our dear Inspector Lestrade has an overactive imagination. I hadn't even thought of anything impure, but now that he's mentioned it..."

The doctor's blue eyes sparkled mischievously. "I am a married man, Mr. Holmes."

Sherlock Holmes grinned and pressed against his companion. "Yes and we both know that Mrs. Watson is our biggest fan. You'll have to do better than that, my dear doctor."

Watson ran his hands up Holmes' sides, fingers skimming over silken material and itching to touch soft skin. "Well...you DO look rather fetching in that shade of red. You're the belle of England, Sherly," he said, leaning in and nuzzling Holmes' throat.

Holmes laughed softly, his thin hands at Watson's back, pulling him closer. "Oh, do shut your mouth and kiss me, John."

"Gladly, Sherlock."

Watson's lips descended on Holmes' and there they remained for a full quarter hour. Outside, Lestrade sat waiting in a London hansom, blissfully unaware of the goings-on at 221B Baker Street.

THE END

By the hand of

Mary Louise Watson (nee Morstan)

Brighton, England  
June 1895

*Saucy Jack is the name that was on a postcard posted by Jack the Ripper in 1888


End file.
